this one is a little awkward...

i listened to this song earlier.
it sounds a little awkward.
but it goes perfectly with that i'm feeling right now.
it's me and trey's old band.
which is probably why youve never heard of it.
we played this song at Carli's 16th.
which was also our last show.
Carli was pissed. Apparently we had potential.
Oh well. Shit happens.

"Did you write cliche rhymes?
Did you listen this time?
I'm screaming and crying for you.
Is it too late to change it?
The colors are fading.
I'm dreaming and praying for you.
You never cared before
the sun set at your door.
it told you a story you chose to ignore.

You hear me. I hope so.
Are you near me? I dont know anymore.

So break me down.
Please save me now.
You have before and I know you're listening.
Do you hear me screaming?
I'm tired of feeling alone."
- The Fifth Inch "(Un)welcome Home"

letting go.

i'm done hiding.
i'm done crying.
i'm done fighting.
it's all out there.
read it if you want to.
but you don't have to.
it's nothing special.
just a story of a girl who never got a chance.
she's okay with that now.
she's moving on.
she's tired.
but above all...
she's ready to fight on her own now.
no one needs to be there all the time.
maybe its easier to be on your own.
maybe its not.
i guess we'll see.

heartshapedbox.

i hate exams.
i dont want to take them.
i'm really tired.
i like complaining.
no one likes you.
people suck.
simple plan should give up.
my head hurts.
nirvana is amazing.
you're not.
polar bears confuse me.
so do guys.
andy hurley looks like jesus?
[long story. dont ask.]
coffee is the best.
it sucks if you have insomnia though.
it doesnt help at all.
i hate insomnia.
it's so...boring.
up all night. not a lot of sleep.
nothing to do other than write.
random things like this, of course.
my choir teacher is awkward.
more of a girl than i am.
you spend your time lighting candles.
i spent my time knocking them over.
"i swear i'd burn this city down
to show you the light."

i came here to make you dance tonight.

going home to wilmette soon.
thank fucking god.
i hate you, northern virginia.
alright so here's the truth...
i dont hate it here.
i've spent so much time here that i'm used to it.
i live here. and i guess i kinda like it.
but i'm tired of missing wilmette.
i want to go back. and i am.
but only for 6 days.
so this time i'm gonna make it count.
maybe something amazing will happen.
maybe nothing will happen.
maybe by some miracle pete will show up
and want to listen to my random stories
and listen to me spill everything out on the table.
but of course wishing doesnt count for much.
it never did.
it never will.
except it did once.
cause for a while i wished something would happen at YWT.
and something did happen.
pete asked me to come to meet and greet.
and it seemed like he actually wanted me to.
this is twisted.
i'm done.

i thought i missed you.

ifuckinghateyou.
spending another friday night alone.
obviously i'm just not good enough.
i'm not worth your time.
why do you even try?
i'm not perfect.
i'm not pretty.
i'm over-dramatic.
i'm boring.
i'm not cool at all.
you're a bitch.
how does it feel to know that your best friend is crying, spending another friday night home alone because she doesnt feel like shes worth your time? i hope one day karma smacks you in the face. but maybe she was never worth it in the first place.

goodnight.

o haiz.

some of my poetry will be in the next literary magazine.
i'm pretty excited.
my creative writing teacher told me to submit it.
i'll probably post something here when i get the time.
or when i get to an actual computer
as opposed to my phone.
goodbye.

Pete left you this...

a few words scribbled on an envelope.
those words meant the world to me.
they were never anything special
to anyone but me.
they were there because...
he wanted them to be.
and i wanted them to be.
i saw the ink,
spread across some random piece of paper.
i dont think he knew how much it meant to me.
and i hate that i couldn't say a real thank you.
i could say it standing in front of him.
but could i say it when i wasnt being watched?
cameras. guards. fans.
all i want to do is say thank you.
with no one there that thinks i'm stupid.
no one there that thinks i'm just another fan.
no one there to push me away
when all i want is a hug.
i miss ten years ago.
ten years ago was on that envelope
in the form of a few words.
and she threw it away.

writing again.

"And I cried when they said you were dead.
And now I want to take it back
but I can't wait to see you again.
And I want to show you that
I'll be everything you want me to be.
You never said you were leaving
so I keep believing you'll come home.
Please come home soon.
Cause I miss you."
- The Fifth Inch "Silent Treatment"

you might not be...

happy 2008.
i'm so ready.
i hated 2007.
with a passion.